בושה

Why בושה?
Why am I writing about בושה? For many of us, I think, one of the tough aspects of being in a non-frum environment (or perhaps this is in fact the root of the problem) is that we are embarrassed to keep מצוות in front of non-frum people (or, sometimes, in front of frum people, if we think they will perceive us as trying to be "holier than thou"). Compared to the secular world, we're just plain "weird" -- the way we dress, the way we act, the way we talk, the way we think... I know that at least once a day (usually much more) when I am on college campus, I ask myself, "what will they [all these non-frum/non-Jewish people] think?" What did the other students in the lab I worked in this summer think about the fact that I "mumble to myself" several times a day, before and after every time I eat? What did they think about the way I dress? etc...
If I convince myself to think rationally, I realize that truthfully they probably didn't even notice. They probably didn't see me whispering ברכות הנהנין. They probably didn't even think about my long sleeves and pleated skirts (during the summer, mind you!). So honestly, there's probably no reason for me to be embarrassed of anything I do. And even if they do notice, who cares? I know what is אמת & real and what is fiction in this world, and I'm committed to living a real life, not the fake life in which people don't know where they're heading and don't have goals or a guidebook. I have a guidebook called the תורה and tour guides known as רבנים, and I know I'm doing the right thing by following their directions. So why would I care what the non-guided people in this world think of me?

But still...
However, למעשה, there is still a constant nagging feeling of בושה. The (misplaced) feeling of embarrassment that I am different from the outside world surrounding me. The feeling that both helps me think more deeply about what I'm doing -- for example, saying a ברכה, dressing בצניעות -- but yet more than that, is a נסיון for me because it makes it more difficult for me to have the proper כוונה while I am saying that ברכה. I'm more conscious of the fact that I'm saying a ברכה or doing a מצוה, but at the same time and for the very same reason, I unfortunately don't focus on the מצוה the way I should because I'm so self-conscious and nervous.

מקורות
I'd like to explore a few things that our תורה and ספרים הקדושים have to say on this topic...
1) The רמ"א on the very first סעיף of the שולחן ערוך says "...ולא יתבייש מפני בני אדם המלעיגים עליו בעבודת ה' יתברך..." -- we shouldn't be embarrassed if people make fun of us for serving 'ה.
2) "משנה עדיות ה':ו' – "מוטב לי להיקרות שוטה כל ימיי, ולא להיעשות שעה אחת רשע לפני המקום – better to be considered a fool in the eyes of people for one’s whole life, than to be considered wicked in 'ה’s eyes for a second.
3) תהילים קי"ט: פ' -- יְהִי-לִבִּי תָמִים בְּחֻקֶּיךָ לְמַעַן לֹא אֵבוֹש. We won't be embarrassed if we remain "תמים בחוקיך". If we ח"ו do not act "תמים בחוקיך", we will suffer unimaginable בושה in the עולם האמת...

On the other hand...
4) On the other hand, however, we all know, שלשה סימנים יש באומה זו הרחמנים והביישנין וגומלי חסדים (גמרא יבמות עט.). Busha is one of the three מידות that are specific to כלל ישראל. Busha is what helps me to (hopefully, בעזרת ה'!) maintain the right perspective and act the right way when I hear conversations in the lab discussing inappropriate topics a בת ישראל should never know about. In general, בושה is often a good מידה when there is something that we shouldn't be a part of. בושה helps remind me who I am, what I stand for, and how I am different. ברוך המבדיל בין קודש לחול...בין ישראל לעמים...

In conclusion...
Of course, as with any מידה, we need to use בושה in some environments and not use it in others. Being embarrassed to keep מצוות because we are different from the outside world surrounding us (or for any other reason) is not the right way. (I know, easier said than done.) But feeling that same embarrassment in a situation that is inappropriate for a בת ישראל may help us hold on to our sensitivities and remember who we are and what we stand for.
May we all be זוכה to know when to use בושה and when not to.